Here is my entry into Lujan Matus’s 2019 Scholarship Programme. I trained with him last year and it was the catalyst for so much…
Lujan laid me bare then planted the seeds when I wasn’t looking.
He demonstrated the Art of Stalking with masterful precision, holding a flame to my story as I watched it burn to ash.
“There’s a tiger on you. What are you going to do?” …“Disappear.”
I claimed to love all, yet I felt unloved. I wanted peace, yet he showed me I had violence.
Devastation in this knowing, I left the classroom. I couldn’t bear to stand in his truth. I retreated and experienced a total death of myself. I mourned. Grieved. Everything I thought I was… crumbled. Deep, agonising pain poured through me, my heart torn asunder. I did not want to be what he showed me.
His words echoed in my mind… “Disappear.”
Amid my torment, I slipped behind myself and disappeared. Sorrow started to unravel, yet she whispered and beckoned me into her arms.
Again, I melted into nothing, disappearing from the grief, from the tiger, from myself. I began to learn what it was to be fluid. To not allow your story to write for you. It simply fell away.
What followed was a year of deep learnings. Of personal power, of unconditional love, of freedom.
Since then, I’ve learned the hard way what it means to be in your power. To become Sovereign. Free from others… Organic or otherwise. He taught me that no one can do unto you what you don’t already do unto yourself. I allowed myself to be swayed by everything around me, giving up my consent for a reason Lujan showed me so precisely, for all to see.
If attachment is suffering then fluidity is freedom. To surrender into the ever-emerging moment, to surrender into yourself. To become fluid consciousness that loses all form. Yet, I have felt myself being lifted into the arms of God, only for my ego to claw at me, afraid of losing control.
I thought Lujan was the tiger but it was really myself.
Learning to surrender is like learning to disappear. The tiger was on me yet I fought against it. Resisted. Sought to control it; but that only pushes it deeper into your shadow, where it waits, eyeing you like prey. Instead of being the stalked I become the hunter; by becoming both the cup and the water.
Everything, yet nothing.
To love unconditionally I first had to love myself. To become fluid I have to surrender into the ever-emerging moment.
Bliss pours into an empty cup and I swell with unconditional love, merging with the infinite… if only for a moment before I hear the growl of the tiger…
Then, I disappear into each new moment. Every new beginning. A blank page. I shine unconditional love on all parts of myself, including the tiger. And that’s where I find my power.
The seeds have sprouted.